“How Was Your Sabbatical?”

You’re so sweet for asking. And I can already feel myself becoming exhausted and turning to platitudes to avoid hearing myself talk. I figure perhaps this approach might convey some of my real feelings and keep my sanity in check.

Sabbatical was a wonderful, Grass-Touching, bittersweet experience. There were incredible and amazing things that happened (like getting to drive across the country with my family for two weeks and visit so many national parks and see so many different ways of living in this land). There were awful things that happened because beautiful things are not the only things that make up life but I am not going to get into those because each one of us is likely carrying our own versions of personal or political or social or health horrors.

I (largely) quit my phone during this time period which may not sound like much but if you work closely with me you know this is a huge deal. I said goodbye to the endless stream of content I was using to drug myself through every waking moment that wasn’t already occupied with a task or conversation. There’s probably no better gift I gave myself during sabbatical than this. I am now working through the challenge of how to hold on to the best parts of that while also being able to remain informed, educated and responsive to the world around me.

I did many of the things I wanted. I played a lot of music. Shows and festivals, solo and group. Worked on a new EP. Released a new song. Moved out of my old, windowless and moldy rehearsal space and into one that is overwhelmingly bright and will hopefully provide me with a room to write and create new things in. Traveled far and wide. Wrote poetry at Jiffy Lube. Had weird dreams. Spent lots of unstructured time with Sophie. Read books. Got a Criterion Collection subscription. Shed habits that were keeping me from a state where I could more easily tune into creativity. Grew plants. Touched Grass™.

I also failed to do things I had intended. “Move my body every day!” I had said. That did not happen. I had imagined that there was a whole world of blissed out people attending yoga classes at 1pm or ballet at 11am and perhaps those things exist in cities but they don’t in western MA. That stuff all happens near the beginning and end of each day so that people with 9-5s can attend. I already had the schedule I needed to do those things and untethering myself from a schedule actually made it harder. So while I have understandably mixed feelings about returning to work, I am excited to find more routine again so I can bring those things back.

I can’t comprehend my sense of the broader political/social/cultural without untangling my own sense of self as I emerge from the cocoon I’ve been in. I am highly aware that I could not have done any of this without the support of people here and I hope I can find ways to pay you back for this gift of time. I’m thinking on a longer timeline. I feel less compelled to react to everything at all times in real time. I feel like broader contexts are more visible than they were under the weight of the algorithm or the PR campaigns of terror and chaos.

I don’t think we can see things clearly when we are inside of them. And we are deep inside of something right now. I mean, we are always inside of something but this thing is insidious and evil and familiar. After nearly two decades of believing that media and tech could be liberating forces, the story of how that all played out is so clear. We won many battles but we are losing the war. I believe this is because we are focusing on battles. Or at least that’s what I think today. Ask me again tomorrow.

In the coming weeks I’ll make sense of what this all means for me and my schedule and my input on strategy. But it’s not happening today. Today you get pictures.